Life Sucks

It really sucks to be me at the moment. Things have gone from bad to worse. First my partner gets cut down to 7 from 34. Reason being his hours were cut is, “there’s no money in fruit and veg”. The store manage likes to have bulk items out on the shelves and when you live in a small town with mostly single elderly pensioners, it’s not a good idea. None of them want to purchase a whole capcium (bell peper), or rock melon (cantaloupe), or watermelon etc. The produce goes off before they can eat it all. I know, even with two people to feed. When my partner cuts some of these things up and puts them out, they go like hot fire but the store manager doesn’t like doing it, so my partner does what he’s told and loses hours.

We think or I think the reason he lost work is because a carton of coke went missing from a home delivery.  My partner and one of the female bosses were doing deliveries this day and he was questioned about. My partner suggested that maybe it was in the boss’s car because he hadn’t seen it. The boss and husband of this female boss said it wasn’t a good idea to try and blame his wife. He more or less suggested that my partner had stolen the carton of coke in the conversation. The coke was found and it turned out, that one of the women at the check outs hadn’t put it with the rest of the deliveries. My partner never received and apology and soon after a camera was installed in the back area so he could be watched at all times. Strangely enough, the camera isn’t on when my partner isn’t at work. It was after this incident that my partner started losing hours at work.

It seems this boss doesn’t like being crossed. A female worker left for the day, one minute (I kid you not) before her shift ended and she too has lost a lot of hours. It didn’t matter that she had stayed late many times and never got paid for it.

We are now behind in rent and I’m afraid that any day now we are going to be given an eviction notice. We have no money and nowhere to go if that happens, other than the street. The phone bill is hardly getting paid and has been cut off but we’ve managed to talk them in to putting it back on after giving them some money. We couldn’t afford to get the car registered so it’s sitting in the garage and we are stuck in a small town where the only other transport is a bus company that charges $9 one way. We have three cats; two were adopted after being dumped, three pet birds and other animals that we take into care through WIRES which we volunteer for and that get fed before my partner and I eat, which isn’t often some weeks.

A few months back our rental home was flooded and the phone line is starting to play up as a result. We had a guy in to look at the line and he found the jack down stairs was corroded. He disconnected that and left the upstairs one going. The line was good for a while but it’s started dropping out again. We called on our neighbours phone to report it, but it’s been two weeks and we’ve yet to see anyone.

Yet another problem, our net connection doesn’t work half the time, it could be because of the phone line or it could be our ISP’s problem. I’ve tried getting help over the internet, because I can’t call on our line. They keep telling me to call them; I keep telling them I can’t. I’ve been asked to run speed tests and then find out that they think I have broadband when all the time I’ve been telling them I have dial up. The problem could be my configurations, my computer, my modern, my hardware. It’s anything but their end. I have a Diploma in IT, so I know what I’m doing when it comes to computers, I just wish they would listen and stop asking me to do stupid little tests.

I only have a few things in life that interest me, one is painting and drawing (even if I’m bad at it), but I’m running out of art supplies and can’t afford to replace them. I did start painting on the computer a while back, but when no one shows an interest in all the hard work you have put into a piece, it’s a big motivation killer. I’ve tried painting on the computer again but all I can think about is “what’s the point, no one will care”. What a lot of people don’t realize is a digital artist can spend as much time and effort on a piece, as an analog artist can, but most people think a digital piece is made by a few clicks of a mouse and hey presto.

I spent many, many hours on a painting in a program called ArtRage. It’s designed on Oil paints. I started with the outline drawing and slowly built up the layers and work on adding the fine details. I took step by step screen shots to prove I was actually doing something. I turned it into a tutorial (which you can see here) so people could see it progress. I asked for advice as I went and was pretty much ignored. I ended up having to email someone I know to get the advice, another artist, a brilliant artist really. It really hurt that no one took an interest in the finished piece, so you can probably see why I haven’t done anymore digital paintings since then.

I can’t find work in this little town so I spend my time bored out of my mind. Half of the time I want to scream, the other I want to cry and I try not to listen to the voice that tell me just to end it all, there is no future so why bother going on. I keep hanging on, hoping things will get better, but I’ve just been “existing” like this for months now. When the net and phone are working, I can see a little light at the end of the tunnel, but when they’re playing up, it’s a kick in the guts and a reminder of how much life sucks.

Another interest is the internet, but I don’t even have that half the time now. I started playing a few online RPG games, and they really gave me a reason to get out of bed. They’re all about Vampires, Lycan’s and Hybrids, simple big captivating. I really get down when I can’t connect to play them

Music is another interest, but I know everything I have off by heart and find they are becoming uninteresting to me. I can’t afford to get something different to keep me entertained so I keep going through the stuff I have hoping for a distraction, even if for a few hours.

My only escape from this nightmare is sleep, but I can’t even do that most of the time. For as long as I can remember I’ve always had trouble sleeping. On a good night I’m asleep an hour after going to bed. That’s if call of nature doesn’t kick in before I drop off. If it does then I have to start that hour over again. On a bad night, the sun is coming up and rising over head.  On those nights it doesn’t matter what relaxation techniques I try, nothing helps. My mind won’t shut off and let me relax which is half the problem. It runs wild with a million thoughts, some good others pointless. I’ve been trying to stick to a routine but when you can’t sleep, you feel like the living dead and sleep when you can, even if it’s all day. Being a creature of the night doesn’t help with routine either. I wake up when night comes; I’m more alert, which makes sleeping at night harder. If I get a full night’s sleep and that’s a big if and I wake up early like normal people, I spend the day feeling like I’ve had no sleep at all. I think as when the planet has warmed up too much, people will start sleeping days and being up at night. It will become “normal” like in the movie Habitat. I wish it was normal now, then I wouldn’t have to feel guilty for something I like and that is natural to me. If only I could be a Vampire…

Feeling Blue

I don’t know why I’m writing this here. It’s not like I want anyone to know. It brings up too many questions that I can’t answer. I’m feeling blue, feeling so down that I can’t settle and keep still. Nothing holds my interest for more then 5 minutes if I’m lucky. Can’t paint, can’t play PC games, can’t write, can’t do anything. I really feel like a waste of space at times. Like life isn’t worth living and I’ve nothing to look forward to anymore. Lately all I do is cry as the darkside comes out in me more and more. I’ve been trying to fight it, but it’s getting harder.

Here’s a poem I wrote a few years ago. I sort of eplains how I feel.

Help Me
 
By Jane Fearby ©

Help me, I’m falling, can’t you see me,
Down to the bottom of the cold & dark sea.

Deeper & darker the further I get,
Someone; please save me, I’m getting wet.

No one can hear me, no one that cares,
Not even the monster, which lives under the stairs.

Mother & father please help me out,
My mouth fills with water, as I try to shout.

Blackness is now growing, in my mind as well,
Soon I shall be, in the pits of hell.

One last try, can anyone hear?
On my tombstone, she lies near.

Gothminister

I came across this band called Gothminister a few weeks ago on the internet. All I can say is wow. They’re everything I’ve been looking for in music. Great lyrics, great music and a fantastic theme. They’re an industrial/gothic/metal band from Norway.

Check out this film clip Darkside on you tube. It has to be my favourite so far. Of course I like Monsters as well but the clip is really bad quality.

Introducing Garfield

This is Garfield. He’s part of my family now. Someone left or dumped him at a caravan park and he’s been living off handouts and the wildlife for a while. The owner of the caravan park wanted him gone and he was heading to the pound where no doubt he would’ve been put down.

We called him Garfield because he’s a bloody big boy. 8 kg’s (17.6 lb) and he’s not fat, just huge. I think one of my pillows would be big enough for him to use as a bed. I’ve had him for about a week now and he’s still a little shy. I think he’s been miss treated as well but he’s getting use to being patted and cuddled.

Introducing Merlin

After the death of my cat Rabbit, I didn’t want to have anymore pets. When they go it hurts too much but this little guy needed a home and I couldn’t help myself. My neighbours across the road, owned him first. They’d only had him for about two weeks before taking off in the middle of the night with a few things and he was left behind with all of their rubbish.

I’d say he would have been on his own for about a week before I actually noticed the neighbours missing. Then it took another few days and a note on the noticeboard to find him. Someone had dumped him at the edge of town in the industrial estate. A lady found him and called me after seeing the notice.

Hubby’s cat Salem (6mths+) thinks he’s wonderful but gets a little too rough when playing at times. Merlin has white feet, tummy and chest and what white you can see on his face. It does hurt me having him so soon after Rabbit, but I couldn’t leave him out in the cold so to say. I’d worry about him too much.

Starvin Marvin No More

Yesterday I had Marvin out so he could stretch his wings and practice flying. He had a ball and eventually found a nice spot to sit in the folds of my shirt sleeve. He looks dead here, but he’s just rolled over on his back.

This morning when I got up at 5:30am, Marvin was a lot quieter then normal. I figured he wasn’t awake yet. About and hour later I went to feed him, and sadly found him dead on the bottom of the cage. He’d been in my care for just over two months and to date the longest living hatchling to survive in my care. He wasn’t too far of being released either.

I don’t seem to be having much luck with animals lately. First my cat Rabbit died and now Marvin. I said to hubby these things come in three’s and I wondered which animal would be next. Our dog was nearby but Salem wasn’t. We searched for an hour and no sign of him. We eventually found him stuck inside a larger fish trapped over the back fence with a large Pheasant Coucal (Centropus phasianinus). I think the cat went in after the bird and found he was no match for it and couldn’t find his way out.

Tarja Turunen Portrait

I just completed this portrait. It’s of Tarja Turunen, former singer in the band NightWish. This is done on A4 cartridge paper with graphite pencils. Click the image to view a larger version. I’ve also entered this in a portrait challenge on deviantart.

What do you think?

My Cat Rabbit

My cat Rabbit (named for the way he hopped about as a kitten) has been really sick for the last week. He hasn’t been able to pee, has lost a lot of weight and just laying around all the time. I got medication for him from the Vets and special food that costs $33.85AUD for a 3kg bag. All this seemed to help him. However he started struggling to breath. I was freaking out thinking I would have to get him put down.

This cat chose me even before he could walk and I can’t deal with the idea of him not being around anymore. I love this cat more then life its self. He’s like me, very anti-social and spends most of his time with me. Either in my room, while drawing in the dinning or painting room or just laying around on my bed. He even likes to sit with me while I’m gardening.

He went to the Vets today and I really thought he wouldn’t be coming home. I said my goodbyes to him last night and cried my self to sleep with him in my arms. It turned out that he has either been clipped by a car, which I doubt or someone gave him a good kick up his back side. His diafram has been pushed in to his chest cavity, he has pneumonia and has been given a 60/40 chance of surviving.

He’s been placed on banana flavoured antibiotic (anyone know a cat that like banana’s?) and I have to keep his movement to a minimum. His raised diafram is the reason he’s lost so much weight. He’s exhausting his energy just breathing. I’d love the find the person who kicked him. Hubby and I have an idea who did it, but we have not proof.

Final Feathers

At 6 weeks the last of Mavins feathers have started coming in on his chest and neck. He’s still begining for food even though he’s been eating on his own for at least two weeks now from the provided food dish. I haven’t seen him eating to special mix, but he loves the chopped up grapes and apples I’ve been giving him. If the food dish is empty he screams the house do to let you know about it leaving you no choice but to come a running like a slave lol. He’s also flying back and forth in the cage and tomorrow I’ll let him out in my room away from my pet cats and see how he goes in a larger area. It should be all that long now until I can set him free. Hopefully where there are other Silvereyes.

Microbat - 58025

I was just watching the ending of Home Alone 2 and I got a call to rescue a Microbat that had been brought in by a cat. On first inspection the only damage I could see was a tiny spot of blood on this adult female.  There isn’t much help in my manual when it comes to identifying Microbats, but I’m thinking it may be a Gould’s long-eard bat based on some of the pictures I’ve looked at on the Internet, though I’m not 100% sure. I do know that she is an insectivorous Microbat. Some of these animals can eat up too 600 mosquitoes a night. Her Weight is 10g and her forearm is  43mm.

Later when I gave her a good going over I notice that her wing membrane had been torn near her leg. She needs antibiotic, which I don’t have. So tomorrow, if still alive I’ll be taking her to someone that has the drugs needed to help. Cat saliva is full of bacteria and most animals that have been bitten end up dying.

Please keep you cats in at night and make sure they are wearing a collar with at least two bells. Cats have been known to hold on to the bell when hunting. Having two makes this harder.